As May comes to a close, families all around the country are facing the challenge of how to deal when college students return to their home for the summer break. Both parents and “children” struggle with this.
College students often have a hard time going from a life of independence at school, to one with increased rules and expectations at home.
These young adults also often miss the friends and relationships they built at school, as well as the comfort of their routines.
Personal space is vastly different between school and home, and some students may have even lost their bedrooms entirely - to a sibling, to the exercise equipment, or to a parent’s hobby!
Relationships with family members may also feel different: after a year of independence and new experiences, the young adult may see his/her/their parents in a new light, or interact with his/her/their siblings in a new way.
In some cases, home life may have changed subtly as parents have become more or less “clingy” with their absent child, or the family dynamics shifted while they were gone (as they are wont to do) and the student may feel a little left out of the new flow. In other cases, home life may have shifted drastically and the parents are no longer together now that the kid(s) have left home.
All in all, there are a multitude of reasons why coming home from college can be a challenge for young adults.
It’s not much easier for parents either. They often struggle with understanding who this new person is and how much their child has changed. Their child may exhibit a new look, or a new sleep/wake schedule. Their child may chafe at being home and seem “homesick” for school, making the parent feel slighted or unimportant.
The parent may have a hard time balancing prying for information versus sharing genuine interest in order to find out how school was and what the summer plan may be.
Parents also sometimes come up against the reality of their child being back home, as opposed to the fantasy they had of what the homecoming might be like.
Some parents may also find that having their child home cramps their style, so to speak, and disturbs their new lifestyle, be it borrowing the car, waking them up when they get home at 2am, or keeping a running commentary on how things are done and could be done better/differently.
A common point of contention for parents and children is how to deal with chores and house rules, perhaps having to avoid the pitfalls of falling into old habits, and make space to create new ones. Every family is different, and every parent-child relationship varies along a continuum in regards to control, trust, mutual respect, and house rules. Some families will have little trouble transitioning to more freedom after the first year of college because they were already heading there in high school. Others will need a lot of trust-building to get to a place of mutual respect.
Here are a few ideas for handling this summer, regardless of where your family falls on these continuums:
All in all, try to remember that while you are all essentially the same person, it’s only natural for you to have changed a bit after this momentous life experience. This applies to both parents and students! Be patient, be flexible, and communicate as much as you can. Maybe you’ll all survive this with the minimum of trauma.
Finally, for a few laughs, here’s a very tongue-in-cheek guide for parents welcoming college students back home for the summer, based on “science”, by the folks at UCDavis. Enjoy.
College students often have a hard time going from a life of independence at school, to one with increased rules and expectations at home.
These young adults also often miss the friends and relationships they built at school, as well as the comfort of their routines.
Personal space is vastly different between school and home, and some students may have even lost their bedrooms entirely - to a sibling, to the exercise equipment, or to a parent’s hobby!
Relationships with family members may also feel different: after a year of independence and new experiences, the young adult may see his/her/their parents in a new light, or interact with his/her/their siblings in a new way.
In some cases, home life may have changed subtly as parents have become more or less “clingy” with their absent child, or the family dynamics shifted while they were gone (as they are wont to do) and the student may feel a little left out of the new flow. In other cases, home life may have shifted drastically and the parents are no longer together now that the kid(s) have left home.
All in all, there are a multitude of reasons why coming home from college can be a challenge for young adults.
It’s not much easier for parents either. They often struggle with understanding who this new person is and how much their child has changed. Their child may exhibit a new look, or a new sleep/wake schedule. Their child may chafe at being home and seem “homesick” for school, making the parent feel slighted or unimportant.
The parent may have a hard time balancing prying for information versus sharing genuine interest in order to find out how school was and what the summer plan may be.
Parents also sometimes come up against the reality of their child being back home, as opposed to the fantasy they had of what the homecoming might be like.
Some parents may also find that having their child home cramps their style, so to speak, and disturbs their new lifestyle, be it borrowing the car, waking them up when they get home at 2am, or keeping a running commentary on how things are done and could be done better/differently.
A common point of contention for parents and children is how to deal with chores and house rules, perhaps having to avoid the pitfalls of falling into old habits, and make space to create new ones. Every family is different, and every parent-child relationship varies along a continuum in regards to control, trust, mutual respect, and house rules. Some families will have little trouble transitioning to more freedom after the first year of college because they were already heading there in high school. Others will need a lot of trust-building to get to a place of mutual respect.
Here are a few ideas for handling this summer, regardless of where your family falls on these continuums:
- Try to communicate either before the student returns home about expectations, or as soon as possible after their return.
- Try to include in the discussion expectations about common issues such as money (summer jobs, allowances, etc.); curfews (is there one? Why? Is a text expected if you’re not coming home for the night - either of you?); laundry; groceries and cooking; house chores; noise levels (there are limits on campus too); visitors (is a heads up appreciated? Overnight guests?); or borrowing the car. These are just a few of the major topics that arise.
- Try to come from a place of mutual respect. Parents: think about what the student’s life was like at school, or better yet, ask them about it. Students: try to remember your parents weren’t around for a lot of your growing and handling responsibilities at school. Put yourself in each other’s shoes and negotiate with respect.
- Keep each other in the loop as much as you’re comfortable with. Students: you may not like having to tell your parent(s) when you’re coming home, but then again you may scare them half to death if you set off the alarm, get the dog barking, or bang into a piece of furniture downstairs at 1:30am when they’re used to the house being quiet. Also, they may worry about your safety (whether you like it or not) because they care about you. Parents: your child is now a young adult with a wild schedule. You will have to adapt to it to some extent and accept that she/he/they is no longer your little baby.
All in all, try to remember that while you are all essentially the same person, it’s only natural for you to have changed a bit after this momentous life experience. This applies to both parents and students! Be patient, be flexible, and communicate as much as you can. Maybe you’ll all survive this with the minimum of trauma.
Finally, for a few laughs, here’s a very tongue-in-cheek guide for parents welcoming college students back home for the summer, based on “science”, by the folks at UCDavis. Enjoy.
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